The Wedding Journal

The Dress

2011-10-04T15:15:00.000-07:00

I found her out in the barn, 20 minutes or so before the wedding was to start. She was still in her jeans, but she'd had her shower. She said, "Is it that late already?"

I said, "My only rule is that we begin when the bride is ready. And since you're the bride, we will wait."

She looked at me and I saw a flicker of desperation go across her face. I asked, "Are you nervous?"

She said, "Not about marrying John. We've been together 22 years and we have grandkids."

I prompted her, "What is it?"

She said, "It's that damn dress. My grandmother and mother have lost their minds."

"How bad can it be?" I asked.

"Have you seen it?" she asked me. "It's huge. I'm 42 years old. I raise horses. I'm getting married in a double-wide. There's not going to be room for the dress, and I don't know if I am strong enough to move in it."

I coaxed her out of the barn with a vague promise to get her through, no matter what it took. The groom, John, watched us walk towards the porch. "Brenda," he said, "I think you'd best wrestle into that dress. They're all waiting."

She nodded her head, and went inside. I followed her, and there it was. The Dress. It was hanging from a door, and its skirt seemed to reach for several feet. The sleeves were lace, and the skirt had ruffles from the waist to the hem. Brenda looked at me as if to say, "See what I mean?"

Her mother and grandmother sat in the living room, their eyes shining with pride. I soon learned that they had bought the dress years before for Brenda in the fond hope that the day would come that she would be a bride, even if it came after she was a mother and a grandmother herself. So, now that the day had in fact come, they were resolute that it was going to include The Dress.

I said to Brenda, "Put it on, and we will figure out how to navigate the double-wide."

In a few minutes, she called for me to come retrieve her, and we maneuvered her into the hallway of the mobile home. Her mother and grandmother gasped in delight. "Brenda, you look beautiful," they said. John quite wisely said nothing, and just smiled.

Brenda walked sort of sideways down the hallway of the double-wide, and we guided her to a corner of the living room where an archway filled with handmade paper flowers awaited. John stood quietly, and a little boy with a clip on tie said to me, "My mimi and papa are getting married."

"I know," I told him. "I'm the minister." And then we began.

Brenda's mother and grandmother signed the marriage license, and in an hour or so Brenda and The Dress had arrived safely into the realm of matrimony.

The Extortion Factor of Weddings

2011-09-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

I recently met with one of my favorite young couples whose wedding is coming up soon. In the course of what is now a relaxed conversation between us, the groom told me about another wedding of a (former) best friend who is being married in a few weeks. Apparently his (former) best friend (FBF) expects him to help fund a bachelor's party in Las Vegas -- airline tickets, hotel rooms, shows, etc.

I must have given my best deer in the headlights impression, because my groom went on to explain that it's a common problem these days. You are asked to be a wedding attendant for a friend, and you find yourself on the hook for hundreds -- even thousands -- of dollars in "must dos." Showers, bachelor and bachelorette parties, etc., etc. There is nothing optional about it, either. You take on honor of being photographed all day in rented plastic shoes or wearing a dress that looks good on everybody else but you -- and you pay, through the nose, for the honor.

My bride also told me that one of her friends was told to get a series of microdermabrasion treatments so she would "look better in the photographs."

I was truly stunned. What kind of self-focused, egotistical, delusional level of an attitude of entitlement does it take to make these kinds of demands? On bridal party members?

A final note: My groom told his FBF that because his own wedding was so close at hand and he and his fiancee were paying for everything themselves, he would have to bow out of the festivities for any wedding other than his own.

Parents NOT Behaving Badly

2011-07-09T14:25:00.000-07:00

I officiated recently at the wedding of a couple who each had a complete set of parents and stepparents. They also wanted their mothers, stepmothers, fathers, and stepfathers to participate in the pouring of sand during the unity sand ceremony.

I watched the families gather for the wedding of their much-beloved (and I guess you could say multi-beloved)children, and just sent up a silent prayer that everything went smoothly and that everybody remained on their best behavior.

I could have spared myself a bit of anxiety. Regardless of what rancor might have existed in the past (and I did not ask, nor would I ever ask) -- not a whiff of it could be detected during the wedding itself. Everybody paid attention to the words being spoken, and did their best to maintain an air of affectionate decorum for every part of the ceremony.

The gift those parents and stepparents gave the couple being married was an example of true community, and unselfish love. They put aside their own issues, and acted like truly loving adults. The photos will reflect smiles, genuine good will, and a magical couple of hours when everybody offered true best wishes and congratulations to a very sincere couple embarking on one of life's most important journeys.

Etiquette versus Manners

2011-07-05T14:02:00.000-07:00

We all know just enough etiquette to cause us problems -- especially if there's a wedding involved. It seems that once the ring is on the bride-to-be's finger, somebody's mother or grandmother drags out the etiquette book, and the tensions start to build.

Speaking as the daughter of a woman who authored several etiquette books over the course of her professional lifetime, I will quote my mother. "Etiquette is protocol, and most people don't really give a damn about how things were done in the royal courts for hundreds of years. But manners are what make it possible for ordinary people to deal with each other more comfortably."

Etiquette used to be (and probably still is) what divided the social classes. The great unwashed was not versed in the subtle nuances of "proper behavior." Manners are the small actions that convey respect and smooth interaction between people.

When you're planning any kind of event, rely less on what the etiquette books dictate that you do, and more on what your sense of kindness and compassion tell you should be done. (But write those thank you notes by hand! It's still a no-no to email them.)

Planning Ahead in Uncertain Times

2011-07-01T15:32:00.000-07:00

The stationery stores and card shops all have beautiful wedding planning notebooks. There are books galore that would imply that every bride sits in a candle-scented room for months and plans each and every detail of a wedding that knows no bounds except her romantic imagination. This only happens in a parallel universe.

The simple fact is that brides -- even royal brides -- are real women living real lives. And right now, times are hard all over the world, and the only thing that can be counted on is that something is bound to happen that a bride hasn't counted on.

Does this mean that today's bride should abandon her favorite daydreams of ribbons and flowers (or feathers and beads -- whatever)? Absolutely not. When it comes to weddings, compromise and a willingness to be flexible are the keys to happy memories after a day that is thought back on for all the right reasons.

Taking reasonable precautions is also essential. When selecting a venue, be certain that it is one that will still be in business when your big day arrives. Do not select a venue strictly for its looks and the seemingly unbelievable deal you can get for no apparent reason. Ask the proprietor outright, "Do you own this location, or lease it?" And if the answer is lease, ask another hard question, "Is there any chance at all that you won't be in operation when it is time for my wedding?"

Slight variations to these two questions -- depending on the service being contracted for -- are a good hedge against heartbreak later on. Google the name of the florist, photographer, officiant, dress shop, etc. -- and see what may have been posted online.

But most of all, don't get yourself into situations that could break your heart along with your budget later on.

Weddings and the Recession

2011-06-21T16:51:00.000-07:00

It's no secret that the country has been in a recession. Almost every facet of our existence has been impacted either directly -- with the reduction of income or the loss of jobs -- or indirectly in the form of the emotional toll that hard times take on the collection consciousness.

Initially, many wedding services and vendors clung to the folk wisdom that weddings (and funerals) are "recession-proof." What I have observed is that although people are not refraining from dying during the downturn (although many funerals are definitely feeling more hands-on and homespun than they have in recent years) -- many couples are definitely postponing the wedding until better days. That doesn't necessarily mean that they aren't getting married. But the celebration itself -- the dresses, cake, flowers, and photographs -- are often being pushed into the future.

Although many couples are choosing prolonged cohabitation over a civil ceremony, others are still tying the knot legally. A genuine deterrent, at least in Arizona, has been the steady increase in the cost of the license itself. By the time a couple leaves the courthouse, they are out about $100 just for the license itself. If they choose to complete the job before they leave the tender embrace of the courthouse, there are additional costs, and a marrying atmosphere about as tender as the department of motor vehicles.

I encourage couples who want to marry but can't afford a wedding to procure their license, and then find a sympathetic and affordable officiant (I am one) and a couple of witnesses to seal the deal. It can be a day that feels like a real wedding, but costs exactly the same as a stripped bare civil ceremony.

The recession will eventually ease up, or people will decide that life goes on, regardless of what the economy does. I predict that we will figure out again how to observe the special times and celebrate them. As a society, we always do.

Use Your Gifts

2011-06-20T10:07:00.001-07:00

"Use your gifts." When my mom said it, she usually meant my creative gifts, or something equally as abstract.

As an officiant who sees a lot of wedding presents in the course of my work, I say, "Use your gifts," and I am talking about the coffee cups, tea towels, and all the nice things marrying couples get to celebrate their new life together. Except for many, the celebration never gets off the ground with the very items people have chosen lovingly.

I went to an estate sale recently, and noticed that many of the items appeared to be wedding gifts from the 1950s, still in their original boxes -- unopened, saved, and put away until later. The antique dealers who definitely came later in this couple's life were delighted. I wondered how many holidays, or just rainy Tuesday afternoons, might have been made more special if somebody had worked up the courage to break out a stack of dessert dishes or light candles in the silver candle-holders.

Use your gifts. Get them out, put them on the table or in the bathroom, and make them a part of your existence. Life is very, very short. Observe every day as if it is a gift, too. Because it is.

Remembering Missing Loved Ones at a Wedding

2011-06-08T15:43:00.000-07:00

There are many ways to honor the ones who can't be present in body at your wedding, but are either there in spirit, or as a treasured memory. For example, a chair with a single rose can be used to symbolize somebody who is absent from the celebration. Or, a table can be set up with photos and/or items that represent missing family members. One bride with limited space displayed a single colorful bouquet with vastly varied flowers in a dramatic crystal vase. To each flower, she tied a person's name. The rose was for her mother, the daisy for her grandmother, etc. She also found some very ornate rooster feathers to complete the arrangement, for the groom's grandfather who had been a farmer.

If a visual representation isn't exactly what you have in mind, how about offering a selection of music that is meaningful? This can be done either during the wedding itself, or at the reception. If you can't face having a father/daughter dance without Dad, why not consider having a slide show during the song that reminds you of him?

Just because somebody you love is beyond the reach of your arms, doesn't mean that your heart can't hold him or her close.

Being a Gracious Gift Receiver

2011-05-23T10:22:00.001-07:00

Engagements begin an onslaught of gift buying and receiving. Which end of the process you are on often depends on who you are in the wedding scenario. If you are a bride or groom, you may be up to your nuptials in wrapping paper. Most of the gifts to you will be from family and friends. However, many couples give gifts to each other, and therein lies the potential for a great token of love to be offered and received -- or feelings to be hurt intensely at an already emotionally-charged time.

In my experience (and after so many years, it is vast and varied)women tend to be the worst offenders when it comes to being lousy recipients of presents. There is a tendency to be a critic of what is being offered, and to ignore the intent of the giver. Of particular annoyance to me is the unrealistic expectation of many brides (probably spurred on by television commercials and the often predatory "wedding industry") over the appropriate size and cost of engagement rings. An engagement ring is a gift. It is a token of love and affection. Being a pill about carat size is not just ungracious -- it's greedy.

I knew one groom who spent weeks shopping for and outfitting a toolbox for his fiancee to carry with her in the trunk of her car when she traveled. He humbled himself and bought "cute" tools, and all kinds of road flares, reflectors, etc. His underlying message was, "I want you to be safe and taken care of no matter where you are." Fortunately, his bride understood his intention, and made a big fuss (in the good sense) over his gift. He loved her, he showed it in his efforts, and she responded with love in return. That's the way it's supposed to go.

It's a rough world, and the way we pay tribute to each other is incredibly important. Try to be sensitive to the underlying motive and message of what your beloved selects not only for an engagement or wedding gift -- but for anniversary presents, Mothers Day, birthdays, etc. I think the saddest words I ever hear anybody say about a spouse -- and one's that are a heads-up for potential problems later on -- are, "She/he never likes anything I do."

A Word to Photographers About the Marriage License

2011-05-09T13:10:00.000-07:00

I take the proper signing of the marriage license very seriously, for my couples who are fortunate enough to be recognized as legal partners in the state where I officiate weddings. I also understand the "photo op" characteristics of the signing of a marriage license. I get it. However, I have begun to get testy when a photographer grabs the license away from a couple mid-signature to get a better angle, or otherwise interferes with the execution of a very important document. It's not a prop. It's an important piece of paper that has often created many challenges for a couple to procure.

I am tolerant of whatever photos a photographer and a couple agree they want. I will cooperate with almost anything. However, I am beginning to push back -- HARD -- when the license is manhandled or not treated with the seriousness that it deserves. It's my responsibility to make sure that it is signed, sealed, and delivered in accordance with the law. My couples deserve at least that much from me.

Virginia's House -- Yesterday Meets Today's Weddings

2011-05-09T09:48:00.000-07:00

Natalie Stahl, owner of Virginia’s House and co-founder of the West Valley Wedding Association, takes pride in the family-like atmosphere and attention she devotes to brides that marry in her home. Virginia’s House is the West Valley’s original "boutique" event venue.

Founded in November 1998, this charming wedding and reception venue is located in historic downtown Glendale. Virginia’s House is listed on the National Registry of Historic Places as the CH Tinker home, built in 1913. The grounds include the home, a spacious lawn with gazebo for ceremonies, stunning flower gardens, and a covered patio for receptions.

While Virginia’s House can accommodate parties of up to 125 people, Natalie notes that a trend she has seen for fall 2011 and spring 2012 is that “weddings/receptions are getting smaller (guest size). Our economic climate has forced people to pare down their parties while still keeping them memorable and fantastic.”

Unlike many venues that are new to the wedding business, Natalie has more than a decade of experience “giving our brides the best possible wedding experience with the vendors that I love the most.”

This experience, she says, differentiates Virginia’s House from other wedding reception venues. “We have been in business since 1998 and have learned the ropes. We have lots of weddings under our belt and lots of continuing friends because of it. We love our brides like family and try to stay in touch with them,” Natalie added.

This personalized experience is one of the reasons Virginia’s House has won WeddingWire Bride’s Choice Award in 2009, 2010 and 2011. In 2010, they were awarded the Ruth Byrne Historic Preservation Award.

While Virginia’s House is known for hosting weddings and receptions, they actually hold many kinds of events, including showers, luncheons, retirement parties and even proms. Wedding prices range from $150-$3,675. For brides on a budget, Natalie stated, “Is our pricing outside your budget? Just ask. There are many ways we can help trim it down to fit. We even have all-inclusive packages if that’s what you’re looking for.”

Natalie’s dedication to making a wedding memorable and stress-free is evident in her advice to Phoenix area brides and grooms: “Have fun! This is one of the greatest times of your lives – make it memorable for the right reasons. And let us help where we can. We’ve been doing this a long time and can help take the stress away.”

Contact information:
Email: info@virginiashouse.com
Address: 6838 N. 59th Drive, Glendale, AZ
Facebook: www.facebook.com/virginiashouse,
Website: www.virginiashouse.com
Phone: 623.435.0878

Interview with West Valley Wedding Association

2011-04-19T14:29:00.000-07:00

Jody Serey of Spirit and Light is one of the founding members of the West Valley Wedding Association. Located in Glendale, Arizona, Jody is available for non-religious and religious weddings, vow renewals, commitment ceremonies, memorial services and funerals, and other observances and celebrations.
Jody founded Spirit and Light in 2001. She has won the Brides’ Choice Award for several years running, including 2011. Her complete services typically run from $150 to $200. She particularly enjoys officiating smaller events because “they tend to be more focused, intimate, and rooted in priorities that I can support with both written text and emotional conviction. Therefore, I try to keep my fees affordable so that almost anybody can secure the services of an officiant who is trained, literate, and really does give a rip about what is going on.”

In addition, Jody says her wedding officiant services set her apart in the Valley because “I do not use templates, and each ceremony is created for a particular couple or occasion. The service I provide is uniformly high quality, personal, and professional, regardless of the size of the gathering or the circumstances that have brought us all together.”

For Phoenix area brides who are looking to incorporate some sort of unity ceremony in their wedding, Jody has experience performing sand ceremonies, unity candle ceremonies, hand bindings, rose ceremonies (to honor or thank guests or family members), wine ceremonies, and a variety of other observances and rituals. She can also assist in creating an original commemoration for a particular occasion.

When asked about what trends she sees for fall 2011 and spring 2012, Jody stated, “I see a trend away from over the top displays of ‘edginess’ and a return to more meaningful, memorable observances.”

When asked what she advice she would offer to a couple making a life commitment, Jody recommends, “Keep your ceremony simple, tender, and worth remembering. It is so much more than just a momentary delay until you can get to the party and the reception.”

Jody’s passion for creating personalized wedding ceremonies shows in her work. She also believes it is important that both the wedding officiant and the couple believe they are a good fit for each other. She added, “Every wedding day is remembered. I want my couples to remember theirs for the right reasons.”

Contact information:
Email: jody@spiritandlight.net
Address: 7413 West Oraibi Drive, Glendale, AZ 85308
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/spiritandlight?ref=sgm
Blog: http://spiritandlight.blogspot.com/
Phone: Office, 623-561-0240; Cell, 623-451-0834

Hey Bartender!

2011-04-06T11:51:00.000-07:00

Chad Zaneis founded Hey Bartender! Professional Bartending Services in 2006. Hey Bartender! is a mobile bar service which covers the entire Phoenix metro area. Hey Bartender!, a member of the West Valley Wedding Association, specializes in:

• Bartenders-4-Hire--available by-the-hour
• Portable bars and frozen drink machine rentals
• Full-service beverage packages for any event size/type/location

When asked what makes Hey Bartender! different from other Valley bartending providers, Chad stated, “All of our staff is state certified in AZ Liquor Laws and covered under our $2M Liquor Liability Insurance policy, which is double the industry standard. If you don’t have Liquor Insurance you really shouldn’t be serving alcohol on your property in these law-suit-happy times.”

Chad added that their flexible services, which start at just $23/hr., are available for all kinds of events, including weddings, birthday and retirement parties, corporate events and more. As the owner of Hey Bartender!, Chad is particularly proud of the local awards his bartending company has garnered, including Best of Phoenix, Merchant Circle top vendor, and Momentville Hotlist member. They were honored in The Wedding Chronicle cover article Best Weddings of 2008.

Their clientele include Arizona State University, State of Arizona, UofA Alumni Phoenix Chapter, AMC Movie Theaters, Microsoft, Bebe stores, Vitamin Water, many valley caterers, special event venues, party planners, concierges, professional athletes, political figures, local celebrities and various charitable organizations. In addition, Hey Bartender! will beat any written price quote from any other insured bar service. It’s our Best Price Guarantee and you simply can’t beat it!

When asked what trends he sees for fall 2011 and spring 2012 weddings, Chad said, “The classic champagne toast seems to be going away. Also brides and grooms are looking for more unique/untraditional venues for their receptions.”

For advice on fun champagne toast alternates, consult with your bartender for options such as a custom cocktail or drink that complements your wedding theme.

Chad, who clearly enjoys his job of bringing fun and great service to any event, loves the old Frank Sinatra quote, “I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

His advice for a stress free event is for brides and grooms to hire good vendors and let them do what it is they get paid to do and life will be good!

Contact information:
Phone: 602.410 ABAR (2227)
Website: www.HeyBartender-AZ.com
Email: info@HeyBartender-AZ.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Hey-Bartender-LLC-Professional-Bartending-Services/160342796541

Why I'm Not Expensive

2011-02-11T12:00:00.000-08:00

My work as an officiant falls somewhere between a ministry and a sole proprietorship. My goal is not money-oriented, but I do need to make something to keep going. However, my financial hybrid status also causes some conflicts.

I prefer weddings that do not resemble coronations. I find that the smaller events tend to be more focused, intimate, and rooted in priorities that I can support with both text and conviction. Therefore, I try to keep my fees affordable so that almost anybody can secure the services of an officiant who is trained, literate, and really does give a rip about what is going on.

However, because I am affordable, I am sometimes seen as being naive, "not upscale," and status deprived. Somebody actually said to me, "I think you get what you pay for. So I want to pay more than you charge."

I am actually okay with all of that.

If a couple wants to pay an exorbitant amount to somebody to marry them, and it will make them feel "more married," I say go for it. But you won't be hiring me.

In the meantime, I have made the decision to stick with my modest rates, because I think it's the right thing to do. Somebody has to draw the line, and I just did.

Les Enfants Terribles: When the Sugar and Spice Are Rancid

2011-02-10T10:26:00.000-08:00

As an officiant, I am more than an a casual observer of small children. Many are members of wedding parties, and their willingness as participants in their parents' pageants varies dramatically. Others are young guests at the weddings in question. Over the past several years, I have noticed what I think is a distinct trend among very young girls -- particularly those ages 4 and younger. Many of them are adorable to look at, and demonic to deal with.

What is going on out there in Princess Land? And, if a little girl child has been cultivated into budding as a very tiny monster, what will happen when she hits the tween years?

I will freely admit that I haven't raised a small child in a couple of decades. But my experience is far more recent than prehistoric, and I am stunned at what passes as passable public behavior for very short females.

I think we could be in for a really rough ride with teenage girls in about ten years. In the meantime, I am considering investing in some shin-guards.

Small Wedding, Big Memories

2011-01-10T10:17:00.000-08:00

Somebody commented to me recently that I must love doing "small" weddings because they are "easier."

There is nothing "easy" about any wedding that is officiated with the proper amount of respect given to the enormity of the life event unfolding -- however simple the setting or the observance. I am also keenly aware that the intimacy of a small wedding is far greater than anything that can be observed by a crowd. (How much "up close and personal" do you think Prince William and his bride will actually experience?)

As an officiant, I strive to do my best work when I know that every word, every gesture, every facial expression is in full view of everybody in the room. And because there are few distractions, there are fewer places to hide when something isn't exactly right. On the other hand, the closeness in proximity to each other of the participants in the celebration of a small wedding means that there is more genuine communication and less empty pageantry and posturing.

So no -- "small" weddings are not easier. In fact, in many ways they require more work on my part. However, they remain my favorite celebrations of any kind, and I am always delighted when somebody says of their upcoming special day, "It won't be very big..."

The Photographer From Hell

2010-11-30T05:52:00.000-08:00

I recently officiated a wedding for a very gentle, soft-spoken couple who selected a Japanese garden for their ceremony. Their lighting was subtle, and their understated celebration promised to be enhanced by the sound of a small waterfall, and birds singing. Then the photographer arrived, dragging her step ladder and her attitude behind her. The fact that she looked like somebody's kindly grandmother only added to the irony that her initial snideness soon gave way to pure venom, and verbal abuse. The bride -- who was intensely shy anyway -- soon gave way to tears, and her carefully applied make-up threatened to run down her face. I waited for somebody, somewhere, to say something. Nobody did. They were either too intimidated -- or too shocked -- to react.

I have only one rule as an officiant: nobody makes my bride cry. And I mean nobody. So, I very quietly stepped in and made some threats that will remain between me, Mrs. Satan, and the spirit of my mother who taught me to behave better than I actually did. However, the photographer reined in her serpent's tongue, and I engaged the services of the wedding coordinator to make sure that she didn't unleash on my hapless bride the minute my back was turned.

I overstepped my bounds. It is usually not appropriate for the officiant to engage in tussles with other vendors without the specific permission of the couple. However, I knew the day was about to be ruined for a young woman and her sweet new husband, and I didn't want it to happen.

The photographer is not in charge of the day. Nor is the DJ, the officiant, or the caterer. The wedding is the province of the couple being married. When that simple fact is not respected, disaster can strike. Or, I will...

Sand Ceremony: Blending a Family With Young and Grown Children

2010-09-22T05:49:00.000-07:00

The sand ceremony is a versatile unity observance. In its most simple form, the bridal couple pours two containers of sand into a third empty vessel to symbolize the blending of the particles of their lives to create something altogether new that will never be separated again. It's a wonderful visual of what has just occurred spiritually.

In the case of a couple bringing children into a marriage -- especially children of varying ages -- the sand ceremony can be a way for the entire blended family to participate in a ritual action together. Each child can have a separate vial of sand of a different color and add it to the family "mix." In the instance that the ages of the children vary and an older child isn't comfortable pouring sand with a toddler, or a child of any age is unable to be present at the wedding, the parent of the child may add sand on behalf of his or her son or daughter to the container.

The implicit message of the sand ceremony is, "You are everything you were before, and now you have a family who surrounds you."

This is a reassuring message for anybody at any time -- but especially for the child of a parent who is remarrying.

Special Observances and Specialty Ceremonies

2010-09-21T17:24:00.000-07:00

A quick trip to the Internet will yield many suggestions for special observances within a wedding or unity ceremony. They range from the beautiful to the “are you kidding me?” and from the sacred to the silly. Here are a few that I have incorporated many times into weddings and celebrations.

The unity candle is one of most well know side ceremonies in the wedding. It is usually done with two taper candles and one large candle. The tapers are lit before the ceremony, sometimes by the mothers of the bride and groom. During the ceremony the bride and groom take the tapers and light the middle candle signifying two people becoming one family unit. Sometimes other candles can be lit in honor of children in the family. A unity candle in an outdoor ceremony can sometimes be a challenge. I recommend that a tea light in a votive holder to be lit and placed on the table in case the wind blows out the tapers and it is needed to ignite the wicks.

A blown-out candle is only a minor inconvenience, and not an omen. It in no way reflects on the future prospects of the marriage.

The sand ceremony can be an alternative to a unity candle for some couples. Containers are needed -- one container to pour the sand into, and smaller containers that the sand is poured from. Plain or colored sand can be found at craft stores, or sand can be collected from beaches from prior vacation destinations, from the desert, etc. This ceremony can be created for just the couple or can include as many people as they desire. The bride and groom pour their two containers of sand into the vessel simultaneously. A small amount of sand can be left in each container to symbolize that although the couple is joined, both people remain individuals. If desired, other family members can be asked to pour a container of sand into the vessel. I have created a passage that is read while the sand is poured.

Hand-binding is also called hand-fasting. It appears in most cultures in one form or the other, and in many major religions. Its meaning is essentially the same from culture to culture and religion to religion, in that it is symbolic of the couple’s “oneness” and unity. The form I use is basically Celtic. I ask the bride and groom place their hands on top of each other, and then drape a decorated cord around them to symbolize that the couple has bound their lives together. We can also make a “sandwich” of hands when a couple has children they want to include in the ceremony as a symbol that everybody is now tied together as a family.

The rose ceremony is used to thank or honor guests or family members. A rose or other flower is handed to the honored person in the gathering. I usually write the reason for the rose presentation into the ceremony. In one ceremony, the roses were given to the co-workers in honor of a co-worker who had just passed away. Often the ceremony is used to thank parents and grandparents for being there for the couple throughout their lives.

Another unity ceremony is a wine ceremony. Three glasses -- one empty, one with white wine, and one with red wine -- are placed on a table. The bride pours the white wine, while the groom pours the red wine into the empty glass. They then sip from the glass of the combined wines. The desired effect is a pink wine, and often the color is much better than the actual taste. However, since the ceremony is symbolic, most couples don’t worry too much about how the blend actually works together except for the hue.

Bridal Battles

2010-09-20T19:16:00.000-07:00

I’m what is often called a secular or civil officiant. In short, I do mostly weddings and funerals, and other life celebrations of one kind or the other. On a recent Saturday, I was called to officiate at the wedding of a particularly nice couple, who were getting married despite ferocious opposition from her parents. The groom was African American, his bride was Anglo, her daughter was multiracial, and they are expecting a baby — a detail that had sent her parents into a moralistic rage.

Each half of the couple was well-mannered, well-educated, well-spoken, gainfully employed, and completely serious about the commitment they were making together. Her grandmother and aunt were on hand. His parents and godparents had accompanied him. Everyone in attendance was gracious, kind, and loving — in direct contrast to her parents, who refused to attend, had made absolutely ridiculous threats and statements, and kept their supposedly treasured daughter in tears on what should have been a happy day.

I sat with the bride for awhile as she blinked back her tears. I said to her, “Nobody has to get married these days. It isn’t required in many people’s minds. You two are exchanging vows because you love each other, you want your children to be raised in a stable home, and you believe you are ready to make sacred promises to each other and God. If that isn’t reason enough for happiness, then nothing is. Don’t let anybody destroy the joy of this day for you and Allen. And don’t let anybody cast dispersions on your innocent children.”

When she and her groom walked down the path of the little garden where I waited to marry them, they were both smiling. And I thought of what her parents had denied themselves because they wanted to “teach her a lesson.” They won’t have memories of their own daughter looking beautiful, and smiling into the face of a very fine man. They didn’t get to see their six-year old granddaughter help me with the rings, and turn the pages of my book. They won’t have any firsthand memories at all of what was a sweet and sacred day.

They won’t be able to erase the memory of them that now everybody has — even I have it, and I have never met them face to face. To all concerned, they are the ones who abandoned their daughter and granddaughter, and would not take the high road. But most of all, they are just losers.

Shifting Sands

2010-09-14T08:52:00.000-07:00

The sand ceremony has become an increasingly requested unity observance within a wedding ceremony. The basic premise is that each member of a couple pours a vial of colorful sand into a larger container, and the grains from the couple's vials mix together so that the grains can never be separated again. The sand ceremony is especially appropriate when families are being blended by a marriage, and children are coming along for the ride on the journey on which their parents have embarked.

A bridal couple with children often opts to include the children in the sand ceremony. However, when a child of a bride or groom does not want to participate directly, there is another way to keep the symbolism intact.

A vial of sand representing the absent or non-participating child can be added to his or her parent's vial. And then the combined vial is added to the mix. The whole point of the sand ceremony is that the grains of sand are intermingled to create something new and different.

Buy or Rent?

2010-06-24T09:23:00.000-07:00

Despite the changes in contemporary wedding practices -- the groom can no longer just "show up" on the big day -- the bride is usually the one under the fashion microscope. However, the groom does have some decisions to make. To tux, or not not tux -- that is the question.

A bit of retail reality right now is that sales of dress and formal wear are so soft they are squishy. Perhaps a "right" wedding wear decision for a man right now is to consider buying. Especially if a suit is involved. For just about the price of a rental, a beautiful suit can be all his. And he can wear it later. (I know, that's what bridesmaids always hear about their dresses -- but in the case of a dark suit for a man, it happens to be true.)

There are sales galore right now, even at the high end stores. Check out the bargains before you commit to a rental. When it comes time for the next job interview, funeral, or even anniversary dinner out, he will be happy to have something appropriate to wear already hanging in his closet.

The Selection Process -- It's a Two-Way Street

2010-06-22T11:04:00.000-07:00

When I first became a wedding officiant, I accepted almost every invitation to officiate that was extended to me. It never occurred to me to decline a request, and I almost never did, unless there was a scheduling conflict involved. However, over the years I have learned that if the little voice in my head says "run like the wind," I politely decline a wedding and go on with my life.

The times that I fought my own instincts were memorable. In most instances, I had hoped that my misgivings would be proven wrong, but they never were.

I am much more careful these days. I have found that my own perference is for smaller, lower profile weddings. I still do many large, fancy weddings -- but I often feel like a prop in somebody's Broadway production. If I catch a whiff ahead of time of anything resembling an upcoming episode for reality television, I try to suggest another officiant with more love of show business than I possess.

Sand Ceremony: Who Brings the Stuff?

2010-06-01T14:12:00.000-07:00

Every wedding planning guide breaks down the to-do list according to responsibilities. Although the specifics may vary a little bit, the gist is the same: every task has an assigned steward.

I recently officiated a wedding for a couple who had indicated that they wanted to include a sand ceremony as part of their celebration. I wrote the appropriate text, emailed them the entire ceremony ahead of time, and we went over the details at the rehearsal. Except the part about who would bring the vessels, and the preferred shades of sand.

Since the sand ceremony is a highly personal and personalized contemporary ritual, I assumed that this couple would select (and later, keep) their own vessels, their own colors of sand, and bring them with them to the wedding. Hundreds of my other couples have done so, without incident.

However, I should never have assumed anything. And they arrived for their wedding well-coiffed, beautifully dressed, and empty handed. The venue owner and I quickly improvised with some lovely little vases and sugar -- so nobody was any the wiser.

From now on, I will travel with a sand ceremony set in my car, just in case. And I will remember to remind a couple who requests a sand ceremony that they should select their choices of the items needed, and bring them to the wedding.

Double Bridezillas

2010-04-28T16:00:00.000-07:00

Many commitment ceremonies -- especially those involving two women -- resemble traditional weddings in their emotion, structure, and execution. However, should the officiant be faced with two women who are also bridezillas, the hormones, hysteria, and mayhem can be doubly difficult.

I recently spent some quality time with a professional wedding planner -- the adoring sister of one of the bridezillas in an upcoming commitment ceremony -- and she said that she was having nightmares involving yards of hot pink tulle and lilies. I offered her as much sympathy as I could, and we discussed strategies to keep both of the first-time brides from reducing a happy occasion into a bomb crater.

Saying, "No, the dress doesn't make you look fat" to one nervous bride is a matter of routine. To try to convince two nervous brides is another matter altogether.

Costume Party Weddings, etc.

2009-12-15T10:00:00.000-08:00

Many officiants welcome the opportunity to dress in tights or don a "Star Wars" outfit. Some even struggle into scuba gear and marry couples in aquariums or in coral reefs.

The closest I come to entering the madcap world of "theme weddings" is helping couples tie the knot on Halloween. Since I usually wear black when I officiate, it doesn't seem to be much of a stretch.

Within reason, I am happy to accommodate whatever requests a couple makes that they feel will enhance their celebration. Within reason. I am not comfortable making a mockery of vows or rituals, and I don't like to be strong-armed into being the "straight man" for a wedding that is really a stand-up routine.

A wedding is also a contract between two people, and a pretty serious one at that. I don't ever want the impact of what is being done to be blunted by snickering, or guffaws. An occasion can be happy -- even playful -- without being crass.

9-9-9, The Next Day

2009-09-10T09:29:00.000-07:00

Natalie Stahl of Virgnia's House and I decided that we would offer a complete wedding for $99.90 on September 9, 2009 (9-9-9) just for fun. We knew that all the chapels were slammed in Vegas, and the Elvis impersonators were booked solid.

What we offered for less than a hundred dollar bill was a genuine Victorian house as the setting, a talented and gifted harpist playing real music, and an officiant with a customized ceremony reading from a custom-made booklet that would be given to the couple afterwards. We decided to allot an hour for each wedding, from 9:00 a.m. until 9:00 p.m.

We got exactly one couple who suspended disbelief and took advantage of our whimisical offer. They had a lovely wedding on a gorgeous evening for less than what it costs to take the family to the zoo.

We will absolutely do it again next year on 10-10-10, and probably 11-11-11 and 12-12-12. But to all the cynics out there saying, "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is" -- this time it wasn't. And by the way, congratulations to Tracie and Charles Inman. Have a long and happy life.

'Civil' Ceremony

2009-08-01T08:12:00.000-07:00

There is something about a wedding that creates an emotionally-charged atmosphere. Large or small, weddings generate energy. Whether that energy is positive or negative depends greatly on how people conduct themselves.

Maintaining a polite demeanor is always appropriate, regardless of the situation or the occasion. However, when navigating the potentially choppy waters of a wedding, it is imperative to say everything with an ear towards tone of voice, and a watchful eye on body language.

As an officiant, I have one firm rule: Nobody harasses the bride and groom on their wedding day. What they are getting ready to do is life-changing. If you have a bone to pick with somebody about something, wait until another day.

Get Real

2009-06-30T15:38:00.000-07:00

It's no secret that it's hot in Phoenix in the summer. It's a tradition with us on the low desert. Despite the sizzle, many couples being married still opt for outdoor weddings, usually in the very early morning or the late evening. The vast majority of these ceremonies are more casual than their bib and tucker winter counterparts. However, there is the occasional couple who refuses to believe that their love can't fend off 110 degrees in the shade.

Believe me, it can't. And won't.

I quite willingly wade into the sunlight at all times of the year to officiate weddings. However, I appreciate the common sense of the summer couple who does not insist that their attendants be dressed in very formal attire, and that their guests not bake in the sun like popovers during the exchange of rings. Insider's tip: The unity candle should not flame up by itself.

I recently had the pleasure of marrying a couple who married poolside at their home at about 10:00 a.m. The guests were all quite comfortable because they were dressed in lightweight, comfortable clothes. The ceremony was long enough to be touching, but not so long that it was a trial.

The little ringbearer hid his floaties by the pool pump and said to me, "I get to go swimming later on if I don't make noise."

Writing Your Own Ceremony: Some Game Rules

2009-05-11T15:29:00.000-07:00

Few things bring a chill to my heart any more quickly than the words, "We've already written our own ceremony."

When a couple's first encounter with me begins with this phrase, I can't help but wonder if I am being approached to be a sort of bureaucratic hand puppet. If the couple is willing for me to edit to allow for logistics, smooth ritual transition, and clarity, then I will usually agree.

However, I have recently been handed a script that jars me. It is ponderous, badly executed, and smug. It also puts words in my mouth that I would never utter, even at gunpoint. I have not decided how to handle the situation. It is too late for the couple to procure another officiant, so I am quite sure that in the end I will probably cave in and suffer through it. But just the thought of actually reading some of the lines the bride has written for me literally makes me shudder.

It's not a matter of ego on my part. It's a matter of professional ethics. I have performed hundreds of weddings, and have taken great pains to make them occasions of dignity, and skillfully created celebration. I also studied for several years so I would know what in the heck I am doing.

If you are determined to DIY regarding your ceremony, may I suggest the following?:
1. Ask the officiant if he/she minds working from a script.
2. Decide if you would be willing for the officiant to edit the ceremony so that his or her comfort level is sustained.
3. Determine if you are willing to take suggestions as to how the ritual action might be enhanced.
4. Finally, ask the officiant if he or she objects to speaking dialogue that has been written for him or her. And, determine if you are willing for the officiant to have some say so over what is being said.

I haven't felt this queasy since I had a really stupid piece I had to play at a piano recital. In an attempt to comfort me, my mother said, "When it's over, you'll never have to see these people again."

Thanks, Mom.

Commitment Ceremonies -- They're Not Just for Same Sex Couples

2009-04-30T15:49:00.000-07:00

I have presided at many commitment ceremonies where couples celebrated love and dedication. A number of them were held on behalf of same sex couples, who are prevented from marrying legally in our state. However, quite a few involved men and women who were moved to make public proclamations of their intent to remain together. One couple was engaged, and wanted a private observance of their promises to each other. Another couple was elderly, and could not afford the financial hit that marrying legally would deal them in terms of Social Security. One woman was quickly losing her father to cancer, and he wanted to hear with his ears that his future son-in-law planned to sign on for the duration with his daughter.

Whatever the reason, commitment ceremonies are intensely personal -- sometimes seemingly more so than many weddings.

Paper Trail

2009-04-28T14:31:00.000-07:00

Many of the weddings I officiate are held outdoors. The very nature of an outdoor wedding is, well, nature.

I do not understand why a bride in the outback (or on the golf course, in the garden, or by the ocean), tries to put down a white paper aisle runner. These runners are all doomed to either fly up in the air like a roll of Charmin gone wild, or worse yet, wrap around the shoes of every bridesmaid trying to make her way to the front. I have had little flower girls lifting their feet high like ponies in the snow, trying to keep from tripping.

Please, brides, save yourself some trouble and just say no to paper aisle runners. They are at best a source of comic relief, but they can actually pose a hazard.

Nerves Know No Gender

2009-04-24T10:15:00.000-07:00

Plenty is said about bride's nerves, bridezillas, and wedding jitters. It has been my experience that many grooms are just as susceptible to stress as brides.

I have had several weddings with a cool as a cucumber bride, and a completely torqued groom. Recently, one young man was so certain that it was going to rain on his garden wedding (it didn't) that he hyperventilated. Another worried about the color of the linens for the reception until I finally reminded him that the entire affair would be by lowered light, and if there was a faint discrepancy, nobody would notice.

I do whatever I can to get both halves of a couple delivered into marital bliss. As one groom-to-be told me, "I have no doubts about marriage. It's the wedding that's scaring me."

An hour later, he was the proud owner of a new ring, and he was fine. However, I was ready for a nap.

Outdoor Wedding Alcohol Etiquette

2009-04-13T10:44:00.000-07:00

I officiate many outdoor weddings, and the level of formality ranges from none at all, to "cathedral under the stars." In general, I leave the tone and environmental attitude of the occasion up to the couple. As long as everybody is comfortable, then I'm happy.

However, it is imperative that the bride and groom not be sabatoged by their own vendors -- particularly their bartenders. At a recent garden wedding, the professional bartender plied the waiting wedding guests with mixed drinks and alcohol before the ceremony began, and within seconds of it actually starting. The groom, who was nervous anyway, wasn't happy that so many of the guests were feeling little pain by the time the bride made her way to the gazebo. Fortunately, everybody in attendance was relatively well-behaved, and we got through the wedding ceremony without serious incident.

If you are planning an outdoor wedding but want to prevent the time before the ceremony from becoming a tailgate party, instruct the bartender to serve only water and non-alcoholic beverages until after the ceremony. You have the right to establish some ground rules. It's your day. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

eBay is Okay

2009-04-07T11:15:00.000-07:00

Times are tough, but the tough are shopping eBay for wedding necessities.

As an officiant, I have made good use of eBay's offerings for such items as stoles, robes, and supplies for booklets. During my shopping forays, I have also taken the opportunity to see what other wedding-related items are available. What I found is that almost anything and everything you can imagine is available on eBay.

In my opinion, the best bargains are frequently found with non-professional sellers, or individuals who are selling personal items are not running an online store, per se.

However, rings, dresses, centerpieces, arches, decorations, beauty supplies -- EVERYTHING -- is there. So make a shopping list, set a budget, and give yourself enough time to hunt down what you need.

Outdoor Weddings -- Expect the Unexpected

2009-04-07T08:16:00.000-07:00

I love outdoor weddings. They are almost always more personal and relaxed, less intimidating, and good natured -- unless nature isn't good.

Some brides and grooms can't handle rain, wayward birds, golfers who have been to the drink cart too many times and insist on playing through, and curious bees. Depending on the venue, there may be a number of factors over which you have no control if your wedding is under the open skies. Weather is the obvious bugaboo. And so is ambient noise. It's not always man-made, either. I officiated at one wedding where the birds were so excited about the music being played that they joined in and nearly drowned out all other sounds. I also had to delay a wedding for almost a half hour when an enormous flock of birds landed in a tree under which the ceremony was to be held. The birds weren't moving, so we had to.

However, I will repeat my first statement: I love outdoor weddings. I would just urge you to consider your own likes and dislikes before you opt for the great outdoors instead of the relative safety of a hotel, chapel, or large living room. If you need every detail to be perfect, get married inside. If you don't, you may feel like you are on a camping trip wearing prom clothes.

Etiquette -- It's Not the Law

2009-04-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

My mother wrote etiquette books and was considered a true expert on the subject. Believe me, I know the proscribed manner for doing almost anything -- including when to set the book aside.

Etiquette came into being to help make interaction between people less stressful, and to give everybody a sense of security in knowing that as long as certain dos and don'ts were followed, everybody could be more comfortable.

Or, that was the general idea...

I have seen fistfights almost break out over what should and shouldn't go on at a wedding. Please take my word for it, no rulebook or tradition is as important as preserving the J-O-Y that is supposed to be the centerpiece of the occasion. If a bride wants her mother and stepmother to walk her down the aisle and all are in agreement, then that is what should happen. If a groom wants to walk his bride up the aisle, with the bride's father on the other side, then just be quiet and take in the smiles.

The bottom line is this: whatever is meaningful to the couple, short of a live sacrifice, should be absorbed with grace and good humor by everybody else. Moms, I'm looking right at you now, and I want you to repeat this mantra: "It's not my wedding, it's not my wedding, it's not my wedding."

Candle In the Wind

2009-04-04T07:36:00.000-07:00

The unity candle has become an integral part of weddings. It has assumed a ritual action of its own, and is most frequently lit after the exchange of vows and the exchange of rings.

Outdoor weddings are also immensely popular, and becoming more so as couples being married look for ways to trim their budgets. Therefore, the trusty unity candle is being called into service in settings that are not completely stable in terms of wind velocity.

How can you be more certain that your flame doesn't flicker and die right there in front of your family and friends?

Replace the wick with one of those trick birthday candles that won't blow out. You may need to drill out the old wick of your candle, and please practice on an old generic candle before you wield either power or hand tools. But once you have replaced the wick, you are almost assured a constant flame, even if conditions are on the breezy side. If a full force gale or tornado arises, you've got more problems that a lit candle can help and you need to seek shelter -- where the candle will burn quite nicely.

Wedding Rose

2009-04-03T12:21:00.001-07:00

If white surrounds us on this day,
then let the rose be red.
It speaks the truth:
Pure love from passion’s heart.
Petals soft and folded 'round
beauty left inside,
a miracle tomorrow.

May this day bloom as roses do,
when sun is
free of ice and fire.
And let the rose be red.
Sweet perfection in your hand,
flower holding flower.

© 2007, Jody Serey

Prayer for New Angel

2009-04-03T12:15:00.000-07:00

Loving God, into Your tender hands we place one tiny child.

Her spirit has been Yours since the day she left the dark,
glimpsed the light, and knew the dark once more.

We honor her with what is ours to offer,
and remember that Your son was laid to rest in a borrowed place.

We look now to You to raise her up beyond all anger and despair.

Keep her ever in Your sight, a treasure for all times. She is Your pearl above price.

Surround her with love that never ends. Keep her in beauty and in peace, away from pain and fear. Be her guardian, her guide, and the comfort denied her on this earth.

Cherish her as we could not. Let her find in You a mother’s love and father’s joy.

Innocent and perfect, she is Your angel now.

Amen.

copyright 2005, Jody Serey

A Prayer for Miss Pokey

2009-04-03T12:11:00.000-07:00

If the last is first,
And peacemakers are blessed,
Then your place is at the foot
Of whatever angel meets us all
When we climb the stairs to
Where you’ll be.

Cherubims aside,
There is no heaven without friends
Whose four legs have walked
The rocky roads
That we have known, and
Stumbled on.

Let the saints
Do their work as well
As you have done yours.
Rest deep in the hearts
Of the ones who knew
Your soul.

copyright 2005, Jody Serey

Don't Ask

2009-03-31T13:56:00.000-07:00

As an officiant, there are certain things I will not do. I am happy to perform both religious and non-religious ceremonies, but I will not participate in anything negative. If a ritual action is requested of me that pushes my "creepy button," I will take a pass on doing it. Scented smoke is one thing. A goat's head or any effigy with pins is a whole other story.

I will also not put a signed and witnessed marriage license through the shredder instead of in the mail box because a groom had too much to drink at the reception and got overly friendly with a bridesmaid. I am happy to help a couple celebrate a commitment ceremony (one-sex or two-sex partners), but I will not "pretend" to legally marry somebody who can't actually tie the knot in the eyes of the state. I will also not impersonate an elected official, Elvis Presley, or any of a wide range of prophets and dieties.

If none of these "won'ts" interfere with your plans, I will most definitely be happy to help with your big day.

Regarding Robes and Riches

2009-03-26T10:33:00.000-07:00

Most conversations these days soon turn to money, and couples planning weddings hear all kinds of talk. Perhaps the most difficult entity to evaluate in terms of fairness of fees is the officiant. Other goods and services are far easier to evaluate. However, the person actually performing the ceremony is not so easy to pin down.

As an officiant, I hold the personal view that one should not look at couples being married as merely an income stream. Even the most sophisticated of bride or groom is vulnerable to the whims of the celebrant conducting the ceremony. I am not suggesting that the service be considered a charitable donation, or a love offering. However, I do hold that even the couple in very modest circumstances deserves an articulately crafted and presented service, that respects their particular beliefs and cultures, and resonates with their preferences. A cookie cutter, one-size-fits-all, fill-in-the-blanks wedding ceremony is unacceptable -- especially if it comes with a price tag in the hundreds of dollars (or more).

When asked why my rates are low, I reply that it's a matter of ethics with me. Just because I could charge more does not mean that it is right -- or necessary -- to do so.

A Cure for the Wedding Bell Blues

2009-03-25T16:54:00.000-07:00

It's no secret that it's rough out there, and many couples are settling for a quickie civil ceremony at city hall -- which offers about as much sentimental substance as buying a trout stamp for your fishing license.

My friend Natalie Stahl -- who is the owner and proprietor of the lovely Victorian-era Virginia's House in historic Glendale, Arizona that is the site of many lovely weddings -- has come up with a package that can only be truly appreciated if you know the quality of the offerings involved:

Natalie says:

Virginia’s House is now offering “mini” weddings and receptions for around $1,600! It’s our chance to help people have a great wedding for up to 25 people without breaking the bank.

Here’s what it includes:

Three-four hour time block with all the features of a full-sized wedding (see “features” at www.virginiashouse.com)
Celebrational ceremony officiated by Jody Serey of Spirit and Light (www.spiritandlight.net)
Fabulous catering by amici catering (www.amicicateringaz.com)
Delicious cake by Truffle Trolley (www.truffletrolley.com), complete with 6-inch anniversary cake
The comforts of a "home" wedding without the headaches!

Friday the 13th(s)

2009-03-13T11:34:00.000-07:00

What else can you say about a year that has three Friday the 13ths in it? February, March, and November 2009 all contain the day that is secretly dreaded and publicly poo-pooed by most of us.

I'm neutral on the topic, but will admit that last month I had a spectacularly horrible day, and didn't even realize it was Friday the 13th until I glanced at the calendar. Suddenly, it all made sense. It was also the week of the full moon, as it is again this month.

I'm halfway through this Friday the 13th and so far the day has been uneventful. Even my phone calls from brides have been routine, and devoid of emergencies.

So, I've got my fingers crossed. And my lucky coin on my desk. And a couple of purple candles lit. And not a ladder in sight to walk under...

The Recession: Don't Take It Personally

2009-03-10T15:00:00.000-07:00

These are strange days. The economy has brought out many different traits in people that were less obvious in more rosy times. However, many folks insist on pushing forward as if nothing has changed, when in fact everything seems a bit "off," if not downright scary.

All things wedding have been impacted, too. Bridal budgets are strained, and couples are planning honeymoons with an eye not only on location but also on timing, as in, "If I take time off now to go, will it jeopardize my job?"

I have noticed that brides and grooms -- who for the most part used to be an exceedingly polite demographic group -- have gotten far more budget sensitive than in former days. I have always prided myself on being affordable, as I treat my officiant work more as a public outreach and less as hard-nosed business. However, I think that if I quoted a quarter somebody would try to negotiate three nickles plus a table grace.

An unwelcome trend has been the occasional hijacking of my work. Asking to see samples of past ceremonies is acceptable. Asking for samples, then having a friend or relative use one to marry you is not.

The irony is, I have always been generous about permitting my work to be used free of charge. All one has to do is ask. I also keep some basic ceremonies posted on my website which are there for general use by whoever wants to print off a copy.

It would be easy to get thin-skinned about the shift in the air temperature even in a wedding climate. However, it would also be a mistake. The public is simply extremely uneasy about the current state of affairs. Their periodic forays into bad behavior are not personal attacks.

When dealing with the public, it is important to remember that you are just a blip on their collective radar screen, and right now it all looks like incoming.

Try to gracious, patient, and magnanimous. Fake it if you have to.

Flower Dogs and Ring Kitties -- Pets in a Wedding

2009-03-07T14:39:00.000-08:00

I couldn't help but notice a recent advice column that was approached for advice by a young woman who was being married, and who wanted her long-time companion beagle to be included in her ceremony. Her rationale was that the beagle had been there for her -- and with her -- for almost every important occasion of her life, and the bride-to-be didn't see why she should lock away her best friend on such a big day.

The advice columnist suggested that the bride ask her wedding officiant whether or not he/she would have any objections to the presence of a bridal beagle.

As an officiant with hundreds of weddings behind me, I can say in all honesty that I have seldom had a poodle get tipsy and pass out in the lobby of the hotel right before the pictures were to be taken. Not once has a Persian cat exposed a risque tattoo with her low-cut gown, and I have never, ever had to retrieve a retriever from the back of the altar where he was playing with the matches meant to light the unity candle.

My advice to any couple wanting to include a pet in their wedding ceremony is to ask these questions: 1. Has the fur baby had his or her shots, and is he or she in reasonably good health? 2. Does the fur baby mind crowds, and is he or she friendly? 3. Can somebody else assume complete responsibility for your fur baby after the ceremony, or is there time enough between the wedding and the reception to take the fur baby back home again? 4. And probably most important of all, will the venue you have selected for your wedding permit your fur baby to enter the premises?

If most of your answers are "yes," and I am the one being asked, then this officiant has no objections whatsoever to including Mittens or Rowdy. In fact, almost any pet at all is easier to fold gracefully into a ceremony than a two-year old ringbearer with jet lag, no nap, and a loaded diaper.

One Wedding, Many Cultures

2009-03-06T09:58:00.000-08:00

I received the call in the middle of the afternoon. A man's voice said, "My children want to be married. Can you help me?"

After some gentle questioning, I learned the following: his children were his daughter and his daughter's sweetheart. His daughter was Muslim, his future son-in-law was Christian. He had given his blessing to them both, because as he told me, "They are in love. They are good people. We are all good people. But nobody will marry them. We have the license."

I said to him, "I think I can help."

I talked to the father about what his family envisioned for a ceremony for the young woman and young man. They said it would be held at home, and then there would be a big dinner for everybody.

When I arrived, there was a blur of activity. The bride was told to stay in her room so that nobody would see her, but she kept opening the door and peeking out. The families of the bride and groom were still arranging flowers, and food was piled on plates in the kitchen -- ready for the celebration.

The father of the bride introduced me to the groom with the words, "This is my son, Mario."

We performed the wedding on the back patio, which had been decorated with potted plants and lights. About a half dozen very tiny little girls proceeded up the make-shift aisle ahead of the bride, sprinkling rose petals. Everywhere the couple walked after the wedding, a little girl in a very fancy dress proceeded with petals. The guests included Muslims, Christians of several denominations, and every neighbor within a block radius of the house.

Everybody cried, everybody cheered, and everybody ate and drank and celebrated. For several hours there was no recession going on, there was no talk of politics or war, and there was nothing at work but hope and happiness.

It was a wonderful afternoon. It was glimpse into how things could be.

Hiring Me

2009-03-03T07:24:00.000-08:00

When a couple secures the services of an officiant for their wedding, renewal of vows, or commitment ceremony, the primary consideration should be how good the chemistry is between them and the man or woman who is going to be entering their lives for a brief but very important period of time. Too often, the first question I field is, "How much do you charge?"

It's a loaded question for me, because my rates are very low compared to what is the average going rate here locally. To some, my affordability seems to imply lesser quality. This does not happen to be the case. I am not only a skilled celebrant, but I am also a professional writer by trade. I just happen to think that every couple should have the highest quality ceremony possible, and that price should not hobble what I consider to be my "calling."

For others, any fee quoted above $25 isn't welcome news, and it wouldn't matter how good my work was, the dent the fee put in the beer budget would be of major concern.

My fee is also inclusive -- meaning everything is covered with one figure. I don't bill extra for the rehearsal, mileage, or overtime. I know most officiants have line items that can appear on an invoice, but I do not. I try to select my weddings carefully, based on what will be needed of me in my capacity as officiant, and what the expectations are of the couple.

I try to give a couple as much creative leeway as possible with their ceremony. As a longtime liturgist, I understand the importance of engaging (at least emotionally) the gathered family and guests in what is going on. Therefore, I try to listen carefully to what the couple tells me about what they want, what they may want to do themselves, and what they may want members of the community to do. And, if they simply want to stand quietly while I lead them through some carefully selected words, that's fine, too.

Nobody has to get married or make a public commitment these days. Nobody. So when a couple reaches the point in their lives that they want to say out loud what they have been saying to each other, it's my privilege to be there to help.

Getting Married at Home, 1

2009-02-27T06:17:00.000-08:00

Home weddings are my favorite. They range from simple to absolutely splendid, but to me they all share a common feature -- they feel "real."

I have never walked back to my car after a home wedding and felt that the newly joined couple waving goodbye in the doorway didn't understand what had just transformed their existence. I have tipped a valet and left many a quasi-coronation and wondered if the newlyweds at the reception in the grand ballroom had a clue in the world.

Disasters seem smaller at home weddings, and schedules are more relaxed and fluid. There is a hospitality factor possible that can't be duplicated at an outside venue, and a coziness (even at the fanciest of at home celebrations) that is impossible to match.

I will write often about home weddings, because they are being rediscovered and deserve their rightful place on a couple's list of options.

Why Get Married?

2009-02-26T11:55:00.000-08:00

I hear myself say quite often, "Nobody has to get married these days."

Almost any of us can name at least one couple who has been happily together for years without the assistance of paperwork declaring them "married." this does ot necessarily mean that the companions do not rely on other forms of documentation to maintain their lives -- living wills, durable power of attorneys, guardianships, etc.

However, because nobody has to get married, I think that almost any two people who want to be married to each other, should be. There are exceptions, of course. I also believe that love, however it is defined by the couple involved, should be the centerpiece of the marriage. And I always hope that the strength of a committed relationship is measured in trust and genuine affection.

Why get married? Everybody's reasons are different. However, one young man summed up his decision by saying, "I just want her to know every day that I am really serious about being there for her always. And I want everybody else to know it, too."

Weddings In a Recession, Part 1

2009-02-18T12:27:00.000-08:00

Much like Valentine's Day, the contemporary wedding has been hijacked by retail establishments intent on cashing in on somebody's magic moment. Fueled by reality shows and bridal expos, the madness reached a crescendo with nuptials resembling a cross between a coronation and a prom on steroids.

As a long-time wedding officiant, I am secretly grateful for the reality check that has come calling on the wedding industry. I am also relieved that the average bride is beginning to understand that one can go down the aisle in a dress that costs less than thousands and still be legally married at the end of the process.

Budget-sensitive does not have to mean cheap, and economical does not have to equal tacky. A wedding can be everything a bride has ever hoped for, and still be affordable.