Buy or Rent?

Despite the changes in contemporary wedding practices -- the groom can no longer just "show up" on the big day -- the bride is usually the one under the fashion microscope. However, the groom does have some decisions to make. To tux, or not not tux -- that is the question.

A bit of retail reality right now is that sales of dress and formal wear are so soft they are squishy. Perhaps a "right" wedding wear decision for a man right now is to consider buying. Especially if a suit is involved. For just about the price of a rental, a beautiful suit can be all his. And he can wear it later. (I know, that's what bridesmaids always hear about their dresses -- but in the case of a dark suit for a man, it happens to be true.)

There are sales galore right now, even at the high end stores. Check out the bargains before you commit to a rental. When it comes time for the next job interview, funeral, or even anniversary dinner out, he will be happy to have something appropriate to wear already hanging in his closet.

The Selection Process -- It's a Two-Way Street

When I first became a wedding officiant, I accepted almost every invitation to officiate that was extended to me. It never occurred to me to decline a request, and I almost never did, unless there was a scheduling conflict involved. However, over the years I have learned that if the little voice in my head says "run like the wind," I politely decline a wedding and go on with my life.

The times that I fought my own instincts were memorable. In most instances, I had hoped that my misgivings would be proven wrong, but they never were.

I am much more careful these days. I have found that my own perference is for smaller, lower profile weddings. I still do many large, fancy weddings -- but I often feel like a prop in somebody's Broadway production. If I catch a whiff ahead of time of anything resembling an upcoming episode for reality television, I try to suggest another officiant with more love of show business than I possess.

Sand Ceremony: Who Brings the Stuff?

Every wedding planning guide breaks down the to-do list according to responsibilities. Although the specifics may vary a little bit, the gist is the same: every task has an assigned steward.

I recently officiated a wedding for a couple who had indicated that they wanted to include a sand ceremony as part of their celebration. I wrote the appropriate text, emailed them the entire ceremony ahead of time, and we went over the details at the rehearsal. Except the part about who would bring the vessels, and the preferred shades of sand.

Since the sand ceremony is a highly personal and personalized contemporary ritual, I assumed that this couple would select (and later, keep) their own vessels, their own colors of sand, and bring them with them to the wedding. Hundreds of my other couples have done so, without incident.

However, I should never have assumed anything. And they arrived for their wedding well-coiffed, beautifully dressed, and empty handed. The venue owner and I quickly improvised with some lovely little vases and sugar -- so nobody was any the wiser.

From now on, I will travel with a sand ceremony set in my car, just in case. And I will remember to remind a couple who requests a sand ceremony that they should select their choices of the items needed, and bring them to the wedding.

Double Bridezillas

Many commitment ceremonies -- especially those involving two women -- resemble traditional weddings in their emotion, structure, and execution. However, should the officiant be faced with two women who are also bridezillas, the hormones, hysteria, and mayhem can be doubly difficult.

I recently spent some quality time with a professional wedding planner -- the adoring sister of one of the bridezillas in an upcoming commitment ceremony -- and she said that she was having nightmares involving yards of hot pink tulle and lilies. I offered her as much sympathy as I could, and we discussed strategies to keep both of the first-time brides from reducing a happy occasion into a bomb crater.

Saying, "No, the dress doesn't make you look fat" to one nervous bride is a matter of routine. To try to convince two nervous brides is another matter altogether.

Costume Party Weddings, etc.

Many officiants welcome the opportunity to dress in tights or don a "Star Wars" outfit. Some even struggle into scuba gear and marry couples in aquariums or in coral reefs.

The closest I come to entering the madcap world of "theme weddings" is helping couples tie the knot on Halloween. Since I usually wear black when I officiate, it doesn't seem to be much of a stretch.

Within reason, I am happy to accommodate whatever requests a couple makes that they feel will enhance their celebration. Within reason. I am not comfortable making a mockery of vows or rituals, and I don't like to be strong-armed into being the "straight man" for a wedding that is really a stand-up routine.

A wedding is also a contract between two people, and a pretty serious one at that. I don't ever want the impact of what is being done to be blunted by snickering, or guffaws. An occasion can be happy -- even playful -- without being crass.

9-9-9, The Next Day

Natalie Stahl of Virgnia's House and I decided that we would offer a complete wedding for $99.90 on September 9, 2009 (9-9-9) just for fun. We knew that all the chapels were slammed in Vegas, and the Elvis impersonators were booked solid.

What we offered for less than a hundred dollar bill was a genuine Victorian house as the setting, a talented and gifted harpist playing real music, and an officiant with a customized ceremony reading from a custom-made booklet that would be given to the couple afterwards. We decided to allot an hour for each wedding, from 9:00 a.m. until 9:00 p.m.

We got exactly one couple who suspended disbelief and took advantage of our whimisical offer. They had a lovely wedding on a gorgeous evening for less than what it costs to take the family to the zoo.

We will absolutely do it again next year on 10-10-10, and probably 11-11-11 and 12-12-12. But to all the cynics out there saying, "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is" -- this time it wasn't. And by the way, congratulations to Tracie and Charles Inman. Have a long and happy life.

'Civil' Ceremony

There is something about a wedding that creates an emotionally-charged atmosphere. Large or small, weddings generate energy. Whether that energy is positive or negative depends greatly on how people conduct themselves.

Maintaining a polite demeanor is always appropriate, regardless of the situation or the occasion. However, when navigating the potentially choppy waters of a wedding, it is imperative to say everything with an ear towards tone of voice, and a watchful eye on body language.

As an officiant, I have one firm rule: Nobody harasses the bride and groom on their wedding day. What they are getting ready to do is life-changing. If you have a bone to pick with somebody about something, wait until another day.