Sand Ceremony: Who Brings the Stuff?

Every wedding planning guide breaks down the to-do list according to responsibilities. Although the specifics may vary a little bit, the gist is the same: every task has an assigned steward.

I recently officiated a wedding for a couple who had indicated that they wanted to include a sand ceremony as part of their celebration. I wrote the appropriate text, emailed them the entire ceremony ahead of time, and we went over the details at the rehearsal. Except the part about who would bring the vessels, and the preferred shades of sand.

Since the sand ceremony is a highly personal and personalized contemporary ritual, I assumed that this couple would select (and later, keep) their own vessels, their own colors of sand, and bring them with them to the wedding. Hundreds of my other couples have done so, without incident.

However, I should never have assumed anything. And they arrived for their wedding well-coiffed, beautifully dressed, and empty handed. The venue owner and I quickly improvised with some lovely little vases and sugar -- so nobody was any the wiser.

From now on, I will travel with a sand ceremony set in my car, just in case. And I will remember to remind a couple who requests a sand ceremony that they should select their choices of the items needed, and bring them to the wedding.

Double Bridezillas

Many commitment ceremonies -- especially those involving two women -- resemble traditional weddings in their emotion, structure, and execution. However, should the officiant be faced with two women who are also bridezillas, the hormones, hysteria, and mayhem can be doubly difficult.

I recently spent some quality time with a professional wedding planner -- the adoring sister of one of the bridezillas in an upcoming commitment ceremony -- and she said that she was having nightmares involving yards of hot pink tulle and lilies. I offered her as much sympathy as I could, and we discussed strategies to keep both of the first-time brides from reducing a happy occasion into a bomb crater.

Saying, "No, the dress doesn't make you look fat" to one nervous bride is a matter of routine. To try to convince two nervous brides is another matter altogether.

Costume Party Weddings, etc.

Many officiants welcome the opportunity to dress in tights or don a "Star Wars" outfit. Some even struggle into scuba gear and marry couples in aquariums or in coral reefs.

The closest I come to entering the madcap world of "theme weddings" is helping couples tie the knot on Halloween. Since I usually wear black when I officiate, it doesn't seem to be much of a stretch.

Within reason, I am happy to accommodate whatever requests a couple makes that they feel will enhance their celebration. Within reason. I am not comfortable making a mockery of vows or rituals, and I don't like to be strong-armed into being the "straight man" for a wedding that is really a stand-up routine.

A wedding is also a contract between two people, and a pretty serious one at that. I don't ever want the impact of what is being done to be blunted by snickering, or guffaws. An occasion can be happy -- even playful -- without being crass.

9-9-9, The Next Day

Natalie Stahl of Virgnia's House and I decided that we would offer a complete wedding for $99.90 on September 9, 2009 (9-9-9) just for fun. We knew that all the chapels were slammed in Vegas, and the Elvis impersonators were booked solid.

What we offered for less than a hundred dollar bill was a genuine Victorian house as the setting, a talented and gifted harpist playing real music, and an officiant with a customized ceremony reading from a custom-made booklet that would be given to the couple afterwards. We decided to allot an hour for each wedding, from 9:00 a.m. until 9:00 p.m.

We got exactly one couple who suspended disbelief and took advantage of our whimisical offer. They had a lovely wedding on a gorgeous evening for less than what it costs to take the family to the zoo.

We will absolutely do it again next year on 10-10-10, and probably 11-11-11 and 12-12-12. But to all the cynics out there saying, "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is" -- this time it wasn't. And by the way, congratulations to Tracie and Charles Inman. Have a long and happy life.

'Civil' Ceremony

There is something about a wedding that creates an emotionally-charged atmosphere. Large or small, weddings generate energy. Whether that energy is positive or negative depends greatly on how people conduct themselves.

Maintaining a polite demeanor is always appropriate, regardless of the situation or the occasion. However, when navigating the potentially choppy waters of a wedding, it is imperative to say everything with an ear towards tone of voice, and a watchful eye on body language.

As an officiant, I have one firm rule: Nobody harasses the bride and groom on their wedding day. What they are getting ready to do is life-changing. If you have a bone to pick with somebody about something, wait until another day.

Get Real

It's no secret that it's hot in Phoenix in the summer. It's a tradition with us on the low desert. Despite the sizzle, many couples being married still opt for outdoor weddings, usually in the very early morning or the late evening. The vast majority of these ceremonies are more casual than their bib and tucker winter counterparts. However, there is the occasional couple who refuses to believe that their love can't fend off 110 degrees in the shade.

Believe me, it can't. And won't.

I quite willingly wade into the sunlight at all times of the year to officiate weddings. However, I appreciate the common sense of the summer couple who does not insist that their attendants be dressed in very formal attire, and that their guests not bake in the sun like popovers during the exchange of rings. Insider's tip: The unity candle should not flame up by itself.

I recently had the pleasure of marrying a couple who married poolside at their home at about 10:00 a.m. The guests were all quite comfortable because they were dressed in lightweight, comfortable clothes. The ceremony was long enough to be touching, but not so long that it was a trial.

The little ringbearer hid his floaties by the pool pump and said to me, "I get to go swimming later on if I don't make noise."

Writing Your Own Ceremony: Some Game Rules

Few things bring a chill to my heart any more quickly than the words, "We've already written our own ceremony."

When a couple's first encounter with me begins with this phrase, I can't help but wonder if I am being approached to be a sort of bureaucratic hand puppet. If the couple is willing for me to edit to allow for logistics, smooth ritual transition, and clarity, then I will usually agree.

However, I have recently been handed a script that jars me. It is ponderous, badly executed, and smug. It also puts words in my mouth that I would never utter, even at gunpoint. I have not decided how to handle the situation. It is too late for the couple to procure another officiant, so I am quite sure that in the end I will probably cave in and suffer through it. But just the thought of actually reading some of the lines the bride has written for me literally makes me shudder.

It's not a matter of ego on my part. It's a matter of professional ethics. I have performed hundreds of weddings, and have taken great pains to make them occasions of dignity, and skillfully created celebration. I also studied for several years so I would know what in the heck I am doing.


If you are determined to DIY regarding your ceremony, may I suggest the following?:
1. Ask the officiant if he/she minds working from a script.
2. Decide if you would be willing for the officiant to edit the ceremony so that his or her comfort level is sustained.
3. Determine if you are willing to take suggestions as to how the ritual action might be enhanced.
4. Finally, ask the officiant if he or she objects to speaking dialogue that has been written for him or her. And, determine if you are willing for the officiant to have some say so over what is being said.

I haven't felt this queasy since I had a really stupid piece I had to play at a piano recital. In an attempt to comfort me, my mother said, "When it's over, you'll never have to see these people again."

Thanks, Mom.