'Civil' Ceremony

There is something about a wedding that creates an emotionally-charged atmosphere. Large or small, weddings generate energy. Whether that energy is positive or negative depends greatly on how people conduct themselves.

Maintaining a polite demeanor is always appropriate, regardless of the situation or the occasion. However, when navigating the potentially choppy waters of a wedding, it is imperative to say everything with an ear towards tone of voice, and a watchful eye on body language.

As an officiant, I have one firm rule: Nobody harasses the bride and groom on their wedding day. What they are getting ready to do is life-changing. If you have a bone to pick with somebody about something, wait until another day.

Get Real

It's no secret that it's hot in Phoenix in the summer. It's a tradition with us on the low desert. Despite the sizzle, many couples being married still opt for outdoor weddings, usually in the very early morning or the late evening. The vast majority of these ceremonies are more casual than their bib and tucker winter counterparts. However, there is the occasional couple who refuses to believe that their love can't fend off 110 degrees in the shade.

Believe me, it can't. And won't.

I quite willingly wade into the sunlight at all times of the year to officiate weddings. However, I appreciate the common sense of the summer couple who does not insist that their attendants be dressed in very formal attire, and that their guests not bake in the sun like popovers during the exchange of rings. Insider's tip: The unity candle should not flame up by itself.

I recently had the pleasure of marrying a couple who married poolside at their home at about 10:00 a.m. The guests were all quite comfortable because they were dressed in lightweight, comfortable clothes. The ceremony was long enough to be touching, but not so long that it was a trial.

The little ringbearer hid his floaties by the pool pump and said to me, "I get to go swimming later on if I don't make noise."

Writing Your Own Ceremony: Some Game Rules

Few things bring a chill to my heart any more quickly than the words, "We've already written our own ceremony."

When a couple's first encounter with me begins with this phrase, I can't help but wonder if I am being approached to be a sort of bureaucratic hand puppet. If the couple is willing for me to edit to allow for logistics, smooth ritual transition, and clarity, then I will usually agree.

However, I have recently been handed a script that jars me. It is ponderous, badly executed, and smug. It also puts words in my mouth that I would never utter, even at gunpoint. I have not decided how to handle the situation. It is too late for the couple to procure another officiant, so I am quite sure that in the end I will probably cave in and suffer through it. But just the thought of actually reading some of the lines the bride has written for me literally makes me shudder.

It's not a matter of ego on my part. It's a matter of professional ethics. I have performed hundreds of weddings, and have taken great pains to make them occasions of dignity, and skillfully created celebration. I also studied for several years so I would know what in the heck I am doing.


If you are determined to DIY regarding your ceremony, may I suggest the following?:
1. Ask the officiant if he/she minds working from a script.
2. Decide if you would be willing for the officiant to edit the ceremony so that his or her comfort level is sustained.
3. Determine if you are willing to take suggestions as to how the ritual action might be enhanced.
4. Finally, ask the officiant if he or she objects to speaking dialogue that has been written for him or her. And, determine if you are willing for the officiant to have some say so over what is being said.

I haven't felt this queasy since I had a really stupid piece I had to play at a piano recital. In an attempt to comfort me, my mother said, "When it's over, you'll never have to see these people again."

Thanks, Mom.

Commitment Ceremonies -- They're Not Just for Same Sex Couples

I have presided at many commitment ceremonies where couples celebrated love and dedication. A number of them were held on behalf of same sex couples, who are prevented from marrying legally in our state. However, quite a few involved men and women who were moved to make public proclamations of their intent to remain together. One couple was engaged, and wanted a private observance of their promises to each other. Another couple was elderly, and could not afford the financial hit that marrying legally would deal them in terms of Social Security. One woman was quickly losing her father to cancer, and he wanted to hear with his ears that his future son-in-law planned to sign on for the duration with his daughter.

Whatever the reason, commitment ceremonies are intensely personal -- sometimes seemingly more so than many weddings.

Paper Trail

Many of the weddings I officiate are held outdoors. The very nature of an outdoor wedding is, well, nature.

I do not understand why a bride in the outback (or on the golf course, in the garden, or by the ocean), tries to put down a white paper aisle runner. These runners are all doomed to either fly up in the air like a roll of Charmin gone wild, or worse yet, wrap around the shoes of every bridesmaid trying to make her way to the front. I have had little flower girls lifting their feet high like ponies in the snow, trying to keep from tripping.

Please, brides, save yourself some trouble and just say no to paper aisle runners. They are at best a source of comic relief, but they can actually pose a hazard.

Nerves Know No Gender

Plenty is said about bride's nerves, bridezillas, and wedding jitters. It has been my experience that many grooms are just as susceptible to stress as brides.

I have had several weddings with a cool as a cucumber bride, and a completely torqued groom. Recently, one young man was so certain that it was going to rain on his garden wedding (it didn't) that he hyperventilated. Another worried about the color of the linens for the reception until I finally reminded him that the entire affair would be by lowered light, and if there was a faint discrepancy, nobody would notice.

I do whatever I can to get both halves of a couple delivered into marital bliss. As one groom-to-be told me, "I have no doubts about marriage. It's the wedding that's scaring me."

An hour later, he was the proud owner of a new ring, and he was fine. However, I was ready for a nap.

Outdoor Wedding Alcohol Etiquette

I officiate many outdoor weddings, and the level of formality ranges from none at all, to "cathedral under the stars." In general, I leave the tone and environmental attitude of the occasion up to the couple. As long as everybody is comfortable, then I'm happy.

However, it is imperative that the bride and groom not be sabatoged by their own vendors -- particularly their bartenders. At a recent garden wedding, the professional bartender plied the waiting wedding guests with mixed drinks and alcohol before the ceremony began, and within seconds of it actually starting. The groom, who was nervous anyway, wasn't happy that so many of the guests were feeling little pain by the time the bride made her way to the gazebo. Fortunately, everybody in attendance was relatively well-behaved, and we got through the wedding ceremony without serious incident.

If you are planning an outdoor wedding but want to prevent the time before the ceremony from becoming a tailgate party, instruct the bartender to serve only water and non-alcoholic beverages until after the ceremony. You have the right to establish some ground rules. It's your day. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.