Etiquette versus Manners

We all know just enough etiquette to cause us problems -- especially if there's a wedding involved. It seems that once the ring is on the bride-to-be's finger, somebody's mother or grandmother drags out the etiquette book, and the tensions start to build.

Speaking as the daughter of a woman who authored several etiquette books over the course of her professional lifetime, I will quote my mother. "Etiquette is protocol, and most people don't really give a damn about how things were done in the royal courts for hundreds of years. But manners are what make it possible for ordinary people to deal with each other more comfortably."

Etiquette used to be (and probably still is) what divided the social classes. The great unwashed was not versed in the subtle nuances of "proper behavior." Manners are the small actions that convey respect and smooth interaction between people.

When you're planning any kind of event, rely less on what the etiquette books dictate that you do, and more on what your sense of kindness and compassion tell you should be done. (But write those thank you notes by hand! It's still a no-no to email them.)

Etiquette -- It's Not the Law

My mother wrote etiquette books and was considered a true expert on the subject. Believe me, I know the proscribed manner for doing almost anything -- including when to set the book aside.

Etiquette came into being to help make interaction between people less stressful, and to give everybody a sense of security in knowing that as long as certain dos and don'ts were followed, everybody could be more comfortable.

Or, that was the general idea...

I have seen fistfights almost break out over what should and shouldn't go on at a wedding. Please take my word for it, no rulebook or tradition is as important as preserving the J-O-Y that is supposed to be the centerpiece of the occasion. If a bride wants her mother and stepmother to walk her down the aisle and all are in agreement, then that is what should happen. If a groom wants to walk his bride up the aisle, with the bride's father on the other side, then just be quiet and take in the smiles.

The bottom line is this: whatever is meaningful to the couple, short of a live sacrifice, should be absorbed with grace and good humor by everybody else. Moms, I'm looking right at you now, and I want you to repeat this mantra: "It's not my wedding, it's not my wedding, it's not my wedding."