The Extortion Factor of Weddings

I recently met with one of my favorite young couples whose wedding is coming up soon. In the course of what is now a relaxed conversation between us, the groom told me about another wedding of a (former) best friend who is being married in a few weeks. Apparently his (former) best friend (FBF) expects him to help fund a bachelor's party in Las Vegas -- airline tickets, hotel rooms, shows, etc.

I must have given my best deer in the headlights impression, because my groom went on to explain that it's a common problem these days. You are asked to be a wedding attendant for a friend, and you find yourself on the hook for hundreds -- even thousands -- of dollars in "must dos." Showers, bachelor and bachelorette parties, etc., etc. There is nothing optional about it, either. You take on honor of being photographed all day in rented plastic shoes or wearing a dress that looks good on everybody else but you -- and you pay, through the nose, for the honor.

My bride also told me that one of her friends was told to get a series of microdermabrasion treatments so she would "look better in the photographs."

I was truly stunned. What kind of self-focused, egotistical, delusional level of an attitude of entitlement does it take to make these kinds of demands? On bridal party members?

A final note: My groom told his FBF that because his own wedding was so close at hand and he and his fiancee were paying for everything themselves, he would have to bow out of the festivities for any wedding other than his own.

Parents NOT Behaving Badly

I officiated recently at the wedding of a couple who each had a complete set of parents and stepparents. They also wanted their mothers, stepmothers, fathers, and stepfathers to participate in the pouring of sand during the unity sand ceremony.

I watched the families gather for the wedding of their much-beloved (and I guess you could say multi-beloved)children, and just sent up a silent prayer that everything went smoothly and that everybody remained on their best behavior.

I could have spared myself a bit of anxiety. Regardless of what rancor might have existed in the past (and I did not ask, nor would I ever ask) -- not a whiff of it could be detected during the wedding itself. Everybody paid attention to the words being spoken, and did their best to maintain an air of affectionate decorum for every part of the ceremony.

The gift those parents and stepparents gave the couple being married was an example of true community, and unselfish love. They put aside their own issues, and acted like truly loving adults. The photos will reflect smiles, genuine good will, and a magical couple of hours when everybody offered true best wishes and congratulations to a very sincere couple embarking on one of life's most important journeys.

Etiquette versus Manners

We all know just enough etiquette to cause us problems -- especially if there's a wedding involved. It seems that once the ring is on the bride-to-be's finger, somebody's mother or grandmother drags out the etiquette book, and the tensions start to build.

Speaking as the daughter of a woman who authored several etiquette books over the course of her professional lifetime, I will quote my mother. "Etiquette is protocol, and most people don't really give a damn about how things were done in the royal courts for hundreds of years. But manners are what make it possible for ordinary people to deal with each other more comfortably."

Etiquette used to be (and probably still is) what divided the social classes. The great unwashed was not versed in the subtle nuances of "proper behavior." Manners are the small actions that convey respect and smooth interaction between people.

When you're planning any kind of event, rely less on what the etiquette books dictate that you do, and more on what your sense of kindness and compassion tell you should be done. (But write those thank you notes by hand! It's still a no-no to email them.)

Planning Ahead in Uncertain Times

The stationery stores and card shops all have beautiful wedding planning notebooks. There are books galore that would imply that every bride sits in a candle-scented room for months and plans each and every detail of a wedding that knows no bounds except her romantic imagination. This only happens in a parallel universe.

The simple fact is that brides -- even royal brides -- are real women living real lives. And right now, times are hard all over the world, and the only thing that can be counted on is that something is bound to happen that a bride hasn't counted on.

Does this mean that today's bride should abandon her favorite daydreams of ribbons and flowers (or feathers and beads -- whatever)? Absolutely not. When it comes to weddings, compromise and a willingness to be flexible are the keys to happy memories after a day that is thought back on for all the right reasons.

Taking reasonable precautions is also essential. When selecting a venue, be certain that it is one that will still be in business when your big day arrives. Do not select a venue strictly for its looks and the seemingly unbelievable deal you can get for no apparent reason. Ask the proprietor outright, "Do you own this location, or lease it?" And if the answer is lease, ask another hard question, "Is there any chance at all that you won't be in operation when it is time for my wedding?"

Slight variations to these two questions -- depending on the service being contracted for -- are a good hedge against heartbreak later on. Google the name of the florist, photographer, officiant, dress shop, etc. -- and see what may have been posted online.

But most of all, don't get yourself into situations that could break your heart along with your budget later on.

Weddings and the Recession

It's no secret that the country has been in a recession. Almost every facet of our existence has been impacted either directly -- with the reduction of income or the loss of jobs -- or indirectly in the form of the emotional toll that hard times take on the collection consciousness.

Initially, many wedding services and vendors clung to the folk wisdom that weddings (and funerals) are "recession-proof." What I have observed is that although people are not refraining from dying during the downturn (although many funerals are definitely feeling more hands-on and homespun than they have in recent years) -- many couples are definitely postponing the wedding until better days. That doesn't necessarily mean that they aren't getting married. But the celebration itself -- the dresses, cake, flowers, and photographs -- are often being pushed into the future.

Although many couples are choosing prolonged cohabitation over a civil ceremony, others are still tying the knot legally. A genuine deterrent, at least in Arizona, has been the steady increase in the cost of the license itself. By the time a couple leaves the courthouse, they are out about $100 just for the license itself. If they choose to complete the job before they leave the tender embrace of the courthouse, there are additional costs, and a marrying atmosphere about as tender as the department of motor vehicles.

I encourage couples who want to marry but can't afford a wedding to procure their license, and then find a sympathetic and affordable officiant (I am one) and a couple of witnesses to seal the deal. It can be a day that feels like a real wedding, but costs exactly the same as a stripped bare civil ceremony.

The recession will eventually ease up, or people will decide that life goes on, regardless of what the economy does. I predict that we will figure out again how to observe the special times and celebrate them. As a society, we always do.

Use Your Gifts

"Use your gifts." When my mom said it, she usually meant my creative gifts, or something equally as abstract.

As an officiant who sees a lot of wedding presents in the course of my work, I say, "Use your gifts," and I am talking about the coffee cups, tea towels, and all the nice things marrying couples get to celebrate their new life together. Except for many, the celebration never gets off the ground with the very items people have chosen lovingly.

I went to an estate sale recently, and noticed that many of the items appeared to be wedding gifts from the 1950s, still in their original boxes -- unopened, saved, and put away until later. The antique dealers who definitely came later in this couple's life were delighted. I wondered how many holidays, or just rainy Tuesday afternoons, might have been made more special if somebody had worked up the courage to break out a stack of dessert dishes or light candles in the silver candle-holders.

Use your gifts. Get them out, put them on the table or in the bathroom, and make them a part of your existence. Life is very, very short. Observe every day as if it is a gift, too. Because it is.

Remembering Missing Loved Ones at a Wedding

There are many ways to honor the ones who can't be present in body at your wedding, but are either there in spirit, or as a treasured memory. For example, a chair with a single rose can be used to symbolize somebody who is absent from the celebration. Or, a table can be set up with photos and/or items that represent missing family members. One bride with limited space displayed a single colorful bouquet with vastly varied flowers in a dramatic crystal vase. To each flower, she tied a person's name. The rose was for her mother, the daisy for her grandmother, etc. She also found some very ornate rooster feathers to complete the arrangement, for the groom's grandfather who had been a farmer.

If a visual representation isn't exactly what you have in mind, how about offering a selection of music that is meaningful? This can be done either during the wedding itself, or at the reception. If you can't face having a father/daughter dance without Dad, why not consider having a slide show during the song that reminds you of him?

Just because somebody you love is beyond the reach of your arms, doesn't mean that your heart can't hold him or her close.